Studs and Duds: The first football dud of the blog

Studs

Andrew McCutchen, Pittsburgh Pirates -- Can you say "A house afire?" I knew you could!

The Pitt hasn't had much to cheer about in the world of baseball since before the dawn of the internet, what with the trade-happy Pirate ownership. If McCutcheon can stay hot and extend his sterling performance this week -- 10 game hitting-streak, 3 homers, 7 RBIs and 2 signal -- he will inevitably wind up with another team within the next two years.

Scott Feldman, Texas Rangers -- Scott, not Corey. His stats on the year are impressive: 14-4, 3.72 ERA. He is 5-0 with a 2.89 ERA in his past six starts. In 11 starts away from Texas, he is 10-1 with a 2.75 ERA.

Dud

Brett Favre, Minnesota Vikings -- The retiring. The un-retiring. The riding the fence. This guy and his Roger Clemensish ilk put the "queen" in "drama queen," and I'm tired of seeing his Neanderthal brow gracing my sports programming. Even his cousin hates his guts. Even his cousin's pet goat hates his guts.

Position statement #1 Cubs, Indians, Braves

I realize I've gone into this blog without some explanation of where I stand on certain important issues, like team affiliation and whatnot. So here it is, in condensed form.

Cubs = Love. When I married, I kind of married into the Cubs despite being far from Wrigley. My husband has been a Cubs fan since he was a teen watching the '84 Cubs on WGN from the comfort of his home in provincial Alabama.

His love of the Cubs I think is the manifestation of some sort of deep-seated self-hate. So instead of cutting himself, he inflicts a sort of fan self-mutilation every year, starting during the Hot Stove discussions in December and lasting until the Cubs are mathematically eliminated from contention, swept out of the first round of playoffs, or in the case of 2003, heartbreakingly ball-crushed by fate. So it's a love/hate relationship. We love the spring with the ever-blossoming of Cubbie hope, and hate the bleak fall which signals the death of all World Series hopes.

With all the money they spend year after year, there's no excuse for this team to fall short year after year. In order for this team to win it all, the curse hype machine needs to die down. I as a fan am tired of hearing it year after year.

Indians = Love. This is my dad's team, and also the only team he ever saw in person. So I feel partial to them because of those family roots. The Indians, however, are almost as snakebit as the Cubs, with their own heartbreaks in 1995 and 2007, falling to the hated Atlanta Braves in the '95 World Series and the Boston Red Sox in the '07 ALCS. A smallish market team in a region hit hard by the collapse of the American auto industry, they don't really have much hope of winning it all by throwing money at their problems the way the Cubs/Red Sox/Yankees do. However, I think any team (except the Nationals) has a decent shot at winning it all just by playing decent ball in a mediocre division, and then getting red-hot during the playoffs. Just look at the Cardinals in '06.

Braves = Hate. There's no worse fans on earth than Braves fans. Okay, maybe that's hyperbole. At least Braves fans don't kill people when their team fails. They would never do that because that would involve more passion than any Braves fan has for their team. Or more passion than the Braves announcing teams have for the team. I swear, for those insomniacs out there, there's nothing more sleep-inducing than a Braves telecast.

I once heard a Braves fan declare that if the team didn't make it to the World Series this year, she would stop being a fan. That's a poor excuse for fandom. Someone who would wear their team's hat the day after they've been eliminated from contention? That's a real fan, and that's something Braves fans aren't capable of.

I don't just hate the Braves because of their lousy fans. I also hate that the only World Series they've won in modern times was against the '95 Indians. And I think the Tomahawk Chop is insipid and annoying.

Wednesday's Web Roundup: Everything's zen

How to Live a Better Life with Less: Interesting food for thought, and something I can appreciate now that I've simplified my life a bit by working fewer hours. This philosophy is definitely not something we've been bred to appreciate. However, look where the prevailing Western philosophy of bigger, better, faster, more has gotten us: spiritually, morally, financially and environmentally bankrupt.

Jilted Journalists: For those journos who have paid the ultimate career sacrifice for the benefit of the bottomline, here are some interesting articles and self-help guides.

Pub Industry Braces for Schwarzeneggrification of Textbooks: A blogger foretells the slow, lingering death of printed textbooks in favor of electronic forms of information, as well as possible alternatives to buying textbooks, including rental. When I was a college student, buying and reselling textbooks amounted to a form of rental, but with an uncertain return. For instance, if a new edition of the textbook came out for next year's class, you could forget about getting a return on your investment. Rental makes a lot of sense.

Ugliest Men in Baseball: Aaron Harang

This occasional series on some of the ugliest men in baseball focuses on those guys who have distinguished themselves through their unattractiveness. Why do this? To gain a better understanding of the role of physical aesthetics as it relates to player performance. In other words, this has absolutely no redeeming societal value whatsoever.

Ah, Aaron Harang. What an ugly couple of years for the ugly man, who looks like Droopy the Dog and pitches like a dead dog.

Things didn't always look so grim for Harang. Not so long ago, he was a rising star. The National League wins champion and strikeout champion in 2006, he finished fourth in the National League's Cy Young voting in 2007. His career's gone into the crapper since, as he's only managed 12 wins in 2 years. This year, he leaves the ugly scene of battle courtesy of an emergency appendectomy.

Interestingly, Harang's pitching downfall correlates with Dusty Baker's tenure as Reds manager. Yes, the same Dusty Baker that expertly managed pitching phenoms Mark Prior and Kerry Wood right into the dirt.

How ugly is he? 9 on the 10 scale.

Career stats: 75 wins, 80 losses. ERA 4.24.

Exercise like the Cubs

As I face another visit from my mom, which is always a caloric nightmare, I ponder exercise and think about the Cubs as they face the growing possibly of doing something other than playing ball this postseason.

To keep in game shape (or some facsimile thereof) the Cubs need to make sure they have the flexibility and strength to make some of their famous gameday gestures and poses.

Now you folks at home can play along. Get as fit as Geo Soto or Carlos Zambrano. Let's do some Cubs-inspired exercises.

Note: This blog will not be held liable for injuries incurred by trying these dangerous moves, nor for financial losses and mental distress caused by time on the DL.

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Carlos Zambrano God-point

Phew! Carlos got out of another tough jam! He celebrates getting three outs by giving credit where credit is due -- to the big guy upstairs, for giving him all this talent and a fun-loving attitude.

You, too, can get right with God and give Him thanks for getting through another day of menial labor and familial strife.

How it works:

• Start in a standing position, with your arm curled.
• Extend arm upward.
• Point index finger to sky.
• Turn head upwards.
  

Muscles worked: Deltoids, biceps, trapezius

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Alfonso Soriano Hop

Catch a fly ball in the outfield with style, leaping like that graceful, Royal blue-clad ballerina of left field -- the Fonz. This is the hop that injured him last year, so make sure to stretch out beforehand.

How it works:

• Start in a standing position.
• Sprint a few steps.
• Leap into the air, bringing your left knee up, while raising your catching arm in the air.
• Land on your right foot.
• Limp off the field with the assistance of Ryan Theriot.

Muscles worked: Deltoids, biceps, glutes, laterals, quads

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Ryan Dempster Railing Leap

Everybody knows Dempster has quite the reputation as a funny man with a pretty mean Harry Caray impersonation. This year, he added physical comedy to his repertoire, with hilariously painful results.

How it works:

• Start from a standing position near a railing.
• Grab the railing.
• Launch from the balls of your feet, assisted by your arms, with the goal of clearing the railing with your feet, legs and hips.
• Hear the crunch as your toe makes contact with the railing.
• Limp to the nearest emergency care facility.

Muscles worked: Biceps, triceps, glutes, abdominals, laterals.

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Kosuke Fukudome Spin

Fukudome has the awesome ability to make opposing pitchers look foolish. He also has the less-awesome ability to make himself look foolish when the violence of his tornadic swing throws him off-kilter. Take spinning to a new level with this exercise.

How it works:

• Start in a standing position, with hands clenched around an imaginary bat.
• Lead with hands and spin body around twice.
• Return to original position.
  

Muscles worked: Biceps, triceps, obliques, laterals

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Aaron Miles bench sit

This is Aaron Miles at his best. In the dugout. Not in the game.

How it works:

• Start in sitting position.
• Remain in sitting position.

Muscles worked: Glutes

Odd & Ends: Baseball-related links

A few amusing tidbits from the web:

• "Hannah Montana" castmate to be in broadcast booth for Little League World Series. -- Maybe he can tell Orel Hershiser to stop telling all those boring, long-winded stories and pay attention to the blasted game. But, knowing the way these things work, he'll probably be telling his own long-winded stories of all the fun he, Miley, Emily and the gang have on the set of "Hannah." And lots of laughter. And lots of ignoring of the game in progress, because it's not the Red Sox or Yankees playing. In other words, a typical ESPN broadcast.
  
  
• Mark Prior isn't giving up on the bigs. Too bad the bigs have given up on him. It's not promising when you can't even hack it in the minors after coming within a nosehair of making it to the World Series in 2003. Being washed up at age 28 after being such a highly lauded prospect -- I can't imagine anything worse. Well, being devoured alive by flesh-eating bacteria.
  
  
• Milton Bradley responds to heckler with homer. Maybe they need to bring hecklers to every game he plays so he can earn his paycheck because whatever else they've been doing with Bradley has not helped. Mysteriously, The fact that he's earning a buttload of money to play a game is apparently not enough incentive for him to play well.

Little pink baseball caps for you and me? I don't think so!

Seriously, what self-respecting female baseball fan would be caught dead wearing this or any other pink bastardization of a baseball cap? I mean, c'mon, that's *so* not the Cubs team colors (unless you're a Cardinals fan.)

Oh, so because I happen to be female, I should want to wear pink all my friggin life? And Pepto-Bismol pink at that? Just because someone somewhere down the line made pink the color for girls and blue the color for boys, are we supposed to brainlessly submit to marketing like the sheep we are and buy a pink hat? Nope. You're not going to see me wearing any other iteration of a cap except official team colors. This goes for the Irish green hats, too, but less passionately.

Now if a team had the cajones to wear pink as part of their team kit, and not on a special "Save the Broads from Cancer" day, I wouldn't have a problem with guys and gals wearing pink to support their team. I'd like to see the day when pink is liberated from being an effeminate color. Let's free ourselves from the tyranny of gender-specific hues!

Perspectives on baseball from a 5-year-old boy

A few interesting baseball-related comments from my 5-year-old son:

• "We hate him. We hate him, too. He stinks." -- Observations about a random Cincinnati Reds player and their first-base coach while watching a Cubs-Reds game.
• "If you talk over me, then they can't hear me." -- His complaint while watching a televised game re: my talking at the same time he's cheering the Cubs.
• "Yeah! He did it!" -- Whenever anyone on any team hits a homer.
• "She's not a very good pitcher." -- On observing a college softball pitcher's 65 mph pitch. The only thing that impresses him about pitchers is how hard they can throw. So he would have been unimpressed with Greg Maddux.

Studs and Duds

A weekly look at baseball's fabulous and not so fabulous.

• Hanley Ramirez, Florida Marlins. No secret here. He's been a fantasy baseball staple since he broke into the league a few years back. He had a stellar week this week, batting .500 with 10 RBIs.
  
• Derek Holland, Texas Rangers. The rookie from Ohio has two wins this week, including a complete game shutout against the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim in California, etc. etc. He still has a losing record, but hopefully this is the start of something big for him.
• Bronson Arroyo, Cincinnati Reds. He gets props for being honest, insanely so in a world full of misrememberers and flat-out liars. A former co-worker of mine muses that if he were completely honest, he'd admit to being a lousy pitcher and with a doofy hairstyle who lacks any trace of musical talent.
  
• Josh Johnson, Florida Marlins. He's been totally awesome this year, 12 wins-2 losses, and an ERA under 3. This week, he's had two wins, with a sweet ERA of 1.35, striking out 11 against the Rockies.



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• Chicago Cubs. I think the Cubs have come up with a brilliant plan to avoid getting swept in the first round of the playoffs for the third year in a row. How? By not making the playoffs this year. Brilliant! After getting depantsed by Philly at home, they've been playing well, including putting up football numbers in a game this week. Of course, having the Pirates in town helps. Let's see some similar firepower against winning teams.
• Boston Red Sox. Why are the Sox involved in so many donnybrooks? It was like that tired old joke about hockey -- I was watching a fight when a Red Sox game broke out. Kevin Youkilis will be featured in the near future in the "Ugliest Men in Baseball" occasional series.
  
• Johnny Cueto, Cincinnati Reds. Young Johnny was eaten alive by the "young" Nationals Saturday --eight hits in 2.2 innings. He gets special demerits for being on my fantasy team -- though he's about to be joining the waiver wire.
  
• Me. For having Johnny Cueto on my fantasy team's pitching staff. No wonder I named my team "Captain Choke."
  
• The media following Sarah Palin. I'm tired of seeing headlines about her, her daughter and whatever nonsense is floating out of her stupid mouth. News flash: As an ex-governor and a failed veep candidate, she is no longer relevent. And she hates the media anyway. So go leave her to twitter nonsense to her fan club until she decides to run for president.

Ugliest men in baseball -- Julian Tavarez

This occasional series on some of the ugliest men in baseball focuses on those guys who have distinguished themselves through their unattractiveness. Why do this? To gain a better understanding of the role of physical aesthetics as it relates to player performance. In other words, this has absolutely no redeeming societal value whatsoever.

The inspiration for this occasional series? Seeing these ugly guys on baseball telecasts and remarking to my husband how ugly they are, which he always finds annoying, as he's usually focusing on the important things like batting stances, stats, situational analysis, etc.

Note that I'm leaving umpires, managers and general managers out of this list because I think enough has been written about the Steinbrenners.

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Ah, Julian Tavarez. Who can forget him? His pock-marked face and constant scowl are reminiscent of the bad guy from the "Grease" movie. His attitude and penchant for fisticuffs, however, made the bad guy from "Grease" look like a honor student.

We hated Tavarez when he played for the Cubs, even though we're Cubs fans. Why? He has a streak of crazy a mile wide, and we hated having to root for him. He's the sort of guy you love to hate because of that "bad guy" aura he gives off, helped by his ugly, ugly face and the way he sometimes attacks people. The photo above flatters him. He almost looks like a normal human being.

He whined his way off the Cubs because they refused to make him a starter, eventually winding up with the St. Louis Cardinals where -- surprise! -- he was delegated to the bullpen. Touche!

Wanting to share his wonderful attitude and winning smile with the world, he traveled on to the Red Sox, and even started a few games for them, earning the loathing of the Sox fans I know for his typical unsportsmanlike conduct. It was with the Sox that he solidified his place on the Crazy Hall of Fame for brawling with the Rays during spring training 2006, even stepping on Joey Gathright's arm. At least he can't brass knuckles with him to the mound.

Tavarez is currently serving time with the Washington Nationals.

How ugly is he? Taverez is an 9 on the ugly scale, with 10 being eye-gougingly gawdawful.

Career stats: As of Aug. 15 -- 88 wins -82 losses, 4.46 ERA

Samardzija slaughtered at Wrigley

Is it too late for him to go back to football? Maybe everybody else on the Cubs team could take up professional football, too, or maybe soccer since most of them are too small and fragile to play in the NFL . Baseball isn't working out too well for them right now.

That game last night was just unwatchable. And that's not just because the ESPN broadcast stinks, and once the game got away from the Cubs, they were constantly interrupting the broadcast with breaking news from the studio, which is a big signal for everyone to just turn the channel.

I think we're about a month away from various members of the team being sold for spare parts.

In the other clubhouse, Pedro surprised everyone by still pitching adequately. Of course, there was an Aramis Ramirez-shaped hole in the Cubs lineup. Forget about making the playoffs -- if the Cubs can't get it done without Ramirez, they won't be able to advance past the first round anyway, which is just like not making the playoffs at all.

Pedro vs. the kid

Pedro Martinez vs. Jeff Samardzija tonight at Wrigley Field for one night only. What an unlikely matchup of star-crossed hurlers -- the struggling up-and-comer vs. a struggling veteran.

Only time will tell whether or not Jeff S.'ll live up to the hype. As it stands right now, his ERA is an unimpressive 6.29 in 24.1 innings pitched. He gets kudos for having an interesting albeit overblown Web site.

Meanwhile, Pedro is seeking one last march to glory -- or, more realistically, at least one more year of a paycheck as his baseball star falls to earth.

Both teams are pretty desperate to let these guys start. Who will stink it up the worst tonight?

Wednesday Web Roundup

• Author discusses blogosphere's impact on our culture.


• Defense Department embraces hackers, turn to hacker conference for recruits. We've come a long way from "War Games," haven't we?


• Video game helps teen cancer patients visualize the battle in their bodies. Knowledge is power, and a holistic approach to their cancer treatment hopefully will result in more positive outcomes.
  


• Jay Mariotti is set for a return to a Chicago newspaper, this time the Trib. Interesting. Isn't this the doofus that declared newspapers dead after resigning from the Sun-Times?
  


• Dan Rather makes the case for a government study of the media crisis. This is truly not a bad idea, particularly when you consider the time and money the government has spent on studying the prevalence of steroids in professional sports. The health of the media is much more important to our society and the proper functioning of government than needles in the posterior of Jose Canseco.
  
  

Pitching staff or MASH ward?

In his second start for the Cubs, pitcher Tom Gorzelanny left the game early after being walloped in the foot with a hard grounder. Hopefully the freak injury bug will leave the Cubs clubhouse soon.

Studs and Duds

This week's studs:

• Mark Reynolds, Arizona Diamondbacks: This past week, he's hit 5 homers, 9 RBIs, with a bodacious .444 average. Too bad he's on the hapless Diamondbacks, who are near the bottom of the National League West.
  


• Ryan Zimmerman, Washington Nationals: His 4 homers, 7 RBIs and .524 average this past week is wasted in Washington, a team that President Obama kindly referred to as "young" during his sports commentary stint during the All-Star game.


• Jered Weaver, Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim in SOCAL: Two consecutive 11-strikeout games. It's just what the Angels need to make it to the first-round of the playoffs, where they've failed to advance for the last couple of years. Of course, he's not on my fantasy team.
  


• Carl Pavano, Minnesota Twins: Just a few days after calling him garbage, I move him to the studs list after a sterling performance. Of course, the caveat here is that he was pitching against the Tigers.

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Duds

• Carlos Zambrano, Chicago Cubs: On the DL again? His loss puts pressure on a Cubs rotation that has been ... wait for it ... plagued by injuries, from the typical Harden whimpiness to Dempster's foolish toe-break while celebrating a win.
  
  This latest injury is blamed on an overly vigorous batting practice. We love you, Big Z. Your antics, passion and unpredictability make games more fun to watch. But for the love of all that's holy, forget trying to be Babe Ruth. Just friggin' pitch!
  


• Boston Red Sox: After owning the Yankees all year, they are fading again like the Sox of old, this on top of the Papi steroids flap. Please stop causing my Sox homer friends so much grief.


• Josh Hamilton, Texas Rangers: <--Warning. Immature content. It seems like just last year his comeback took on a life of its own, so much so that when he came to bat, sports commentators began referring to him as "a great story" after he revived his career following a drug-and-alcohol-fueled fall into disgrace.
  
  He'd wasted more chances than most people get in a lifetime. But he cleaned up and puffed out his chest. He became more than just a recovering addict. He became an exhaulted success story, a man who wrestled with his demons and won. Most people who know the perils of addiction knew that recovery is tenuous, and the proper term for someone coping with an addiction is "recovering addict" rather than "recovered addict," since the only recovered addicts are dead ones. Here's an idea: If you're going to succumb to the temptations of booze-purveying floozies, don't pose for pictures! They have a nasty way of winding up on the 'net.


• Man blames cat for child pornography found on his computer -- Points for creativity. Demerits for unbelievability. And extra-flamey damnation for being a nasty perv.

At least one mlb.com headline writer is bored

And also, obviously a "Seinfeld" fan, or at least aware of the reference. But, hey, it worked. It was an attention-grabbing headline, even though a bit ham-handed.

Taking out the garbage

Carl Pavano and Jason Giambi were kicked to the curb today. The only shocking thing -- the Twins decided to clutter up their clubhouse with Pavano, the player equivalent of a secondhand, seriously cat-clawed couch, something you'd find outside a frat house. Don't they have some AAA pitcher they could call up rather than stink up a perfectly good Twins uni with that steaming pile?

The best thing Giambi ever did? This commercial. And he didn't even do much besides acting scared and beeping the horn.

Edit: John Smoltz, the face of The Home Depot and the Atlanta Braves for many years, has been disposed of in Boston after a glorious 5 losses in 8 starts.

Media mutterings

The media buzz this week:

• Evangelists' knee-jerk reaction to social media: Changing childrens' brains


• Reaction to the reactions


• ESPN restricts social media interactions of its employees


• And the beat goes on at the New York Times: Controversy over error-ridden Cronkite article

Wednesday Web Roundup

The best of the wild, wild Web. If it's a little sparse this week, it's because I just decided to do this last night. I promise it will be more abundant next week.

• Six-year-old blogs about baseball. They start young nowadays, don't they?


• Jon Stewart explains how Fox helps breed conservative outrage (RT JesseNewhart)


• Military's knickers are in a twist over social media.


• From vscpu: Hilarious viral video (Note: comic gore.)
  


• Also from vscpu: More of his top 25 video games of all time.

Cincinnati is for lovers

The great downside of MLB.tv? Having to listen to the opposing team's commentary team. These Cincinnati Reds commentators -- and no, I don't care enough to list their names here -- are so annoying. One of them, the younger-sounding man "A", keeps sucking up to the older one "B" at least 5 times during this game, and it's still going on.

For instance, A complimented B for having the mental acuity to figure out a trivia question, going on and on about his brilliant, deductive reasoning. Then, when they were bemoaning the Cincinnati Reds lack of winning, A called B "a half-full kind of guy." The others I fail to remember, but it comes just short of "The brilliant light in his eyes and his warm, gentle smile make my heart go flippity flop!"

Dudes, it's a broadcast booth, not a dinner date. Keep the love talk for after hours!

No more fantasy baseball posts this year, 'tis depressing

Firmly entombed in last place, I must now concede the year, and look forward to rebuilding my dignity next year.

What went wrong? Perhaps I was just too patient, waiting for players to turn it around and heat it up when they had no gas left in their lamps *cough* Berkman, Harang *cough*. And my pitching stats were particularly rank -- for instance, I haven't won the holds category all year. So all in all, a bad effort and a bad year for Captain Choke, which certainly lived up to its name this year.

What does this mean for the direction of this blog? That, my friends, remains to be seen.