Nuggets of wisdom about Milton Bradley using Milton Bradley board game titles

In light of the new Milton Bradley news, namely his suspension from the Cubs for the rest of the year, here are a few thoughts about that legendarily truculent player using titles of Milton Bradley board games. Why? Because it's Sunday, I'm lazy, and writing too much about Milton Bradley is a poor use of pixels and bad for the soul. Yet the evident end of his career with the Cubs must somehow be marked, so...

•  Maybe if Milton Bradley hadn't had such a SORRY year, actually earned his salary, he would be more loved by the fans and media, and perhaps they would have a higher tolerance for his personality quirks. SORRY, but if he's going to act like T.O., he needs to play like T.O.!
  
  
• It must be hard going through LIFE with a boulder-sized chip on one's shoulder.
  
  
• I don't have a CLUE why the hell Cubs general manager Jim Hendry signed him in the first place.
  
  
• Compared to how little most of us poor slobs will make in our lifetimes, working as a ball player is EASY MONEY.
  
  
• It BOGGLES the mind to think that someone with such a bad rep would be given so many chances to do good and fail every time.
  
  
• I think some time aboard a BATTLESHIP might have straightened this young man out, as time in the military can sometimes build character.
  
  
• Back in the 19th century, people with Milton Bradley's obvious mental problems would be given an OPERATION which would involve cutting out part of the brain's frontal lobe -- otherwise known as a lobotomy.
  

A few Cubbie haikus

My apologies to whomever wrote baseball haikus before me. And apologies to the Japanese poets who perfected this art form that I profane with my clumsy, clunky verse.

Milton Bradley
Don't blame the "boo" birds.
"Talent" doesn’t compensate
for your lax effort.


Geo Soto
Awesome first season –

Can it make up for how poor

His sophomore has been?

Mike Fontenot

Tired of short jokes

And endless LSU team notes.

He's a bench player.

Carlos Zambrano

Pointing at the sky,

Bluster, bravado, doesn't

get one a Cy Young.

Position statement #1 Cubs, Indians, Braves

I realize I've gone into this blog without some explanation of where I stand on certain important issues, like team affiliation and whatnot. So here it is, in condensed form.

Cubs = Love. When I married, I kind of married into the Cubs despite being far from Wrigley. My husband has been a Cubs fan since he was a teen watching the '84 Cubs on WGN from the comfort of his home in provincial Alabama.

His love of the Cubs I think is the manifestation of some sort of deep-seated self-hate. So instead of cutting himself, he inflicts a sort of fan self-mutilation every year, starting during the Hot Stove discussions in December and lasting until the Cubs are mathematically eliminated from contention, swept out of the first round of playoffs, or in the case of 2003, heartbreakingly ball-crushed by fate. So it's a love/hate relationship. We love the spring with the ever-blossoming of Cubbie hope, and hate the bleak fall which signals the death of all World Series hopes.

With all the money they spend year after year, there's no excuse for this team to fall short year after year. In order for this team to win it all, the curse hype machine needs to die down. I as a fan am tired of hearing it year after year.

Indians = Love. This is my dad's team, and also the only team he ever saw in person. So I feel partial to them because of those family roots. The Indians, however, are almost as snakebit as the Cubs, with their own heartbreaks in 1995 and 2007, falling to the hated Atlanta Braves in the '95 World Series and the Boston Red Sox in the '07 ALCS. A smallish market team in a region hit hard by the collapse of the American auto industry, they don't really have much hope of winning it all by throwing money at their problems the way the Cubs/Red Sox/Yankees do. However, I think any team (except the Nationals) has a decent shot at winning it all just by playing decent ball in a mediocre division, and then getting red-hot during the playoffs. Just look at the Cardinals in '06.

Braves = Hate. There's no worse fans on earth than Braves fans. Okay, maybe that's hyperbole. At least Braves fans don't kill people when their team fails. They would never do that because that would involve more passion than any Braves fan has for their team. Or more passion than the Braves announcing teams have for the team. I swear, for those insomniacs out there, there's nothing more sleep-inducing than a Braves telecast.

I once heard a Braves fan declare that if the team didn't make it to the World Series this year, she would stop being a fan. That's a poor excuse for fandom. Someone who would wear their team's hat the day after they've been eliminated from contention? That's a real fan, and that's something Braves fans aren't capable of.

I don't just hate the Braves because of their lousy fans. I also hate that the only World Series they've won in modern times was against the '95 Indians. And I think the Tomahawk Chop is insipid and annoying.

Exercise like the Cubs

As I face another visit from my mom, which is always a caloric nightmare, I ponder exercise and think about the Cubs as they face the growing possibly of doing something other than playing ball this postseason.

To keep in game shape (or some facsimile thereof) the Cubs need to make sure they have the flexibility and strength to make some of their famous gameday gestures and poses.

Now you folks at home can play along. Get as fit as Geo Soto or Carlos Zambrano. Let's do some Cubs-inspired exercises.

Note: This blog will not be held liable for injuries incurred by trying these dangerous moves, nor for financial losses and mental distress caused by time on the DL.

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Carlos Zambrano God-point

Phew! Carlos got out of another tough jam! He celebrates getting three outs by giving credit where credit is due -- to the big guy upstairs, for giving him all this talent and a fun-loving attitude.

You, too, can get right with God and give Him thanks for getting through another day of menial labor and familial strife.

How it works:

• Start in a standing position, with your arm curled.
• Extend arm upward.
• Point index finger to sky.
• Turn head upwards.
  

Muscles worked: Deltoids, biceps, trapezius

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Alfonso Soriano Hop

Catch a fly ball in the outfield with style, leaping like that graceful, Royal blue-clad ballerina of left field -- the Fonz. This is the hop that injured him last year, so make sure to stretch out beforehand.

How it works:

• Start in a standing position.
• Sprint a few steps.
• Leap into the air, bringing your left knee up, while raising your catching arm in the air.
• Land on your right foot.
• Limp off the field with the assistance of Ryan Theriot.

Muscles worked: Deltoids, biceps, glutes, laterals, quads

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Ryan Dempster Railing Leap

Everybody knows Dempster has quite the reputation as a funny man with a pretty mean Harry Caray impersonation. This year, he added physical comedy to his repertoire, with hilariously painful results.

How it works:

• Start from a standing position near a railing.
• Grab the railing.
• Launch from the balls of your feet, assisted by your arms, with the goal of clearing the railing with your feet, legs and hips.
• Hear the crunch as your toe makes contact with the railing.
• Limp to the nearest emergency care facility.

Muscles worked: Biceps, triceps, glutes, abdominals, laterals.

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Kosuke Fukudome Spin

Fukudome has the awesome ability to make opposing pitchers look foolish. He also has the less-awesome ability to make himself look foolish when the violence of his tornadic swing throws him off-kilter. Take spinning to a new level with this exercise.

How it works:

• Start in a standing position, with hands clenched around an imaginary bat.
• Lead with hands and spin body around twice.
• Return to original position.
  

Muscles worked: Biceps, triceps, obliques, laterals

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Aaron Miles bench sit

This is Aaron Miles at his best. In the dugout. Not in the game.

How it works:

• Start in sitting position.
• Remain in sitting position.

Muscles worked: Glutes

Odd & Ends: Baseball-related links

A few amusing tidbits from the web:

• "Hannah Montana" castmate to be in broadcast booth for Little League World Series. -- Maybe he can tell Orel Hershiser to stop telling all those boring, long-winded stories and pay attention to the blasted game. But, knowing the way these things work, he'll probably be telling his own long-winded stories of all the fun he, Miley, Emily and the gang have on the set of "Hannah." And lots of laughter. And lots of ignoring of the game in progress, because it's not the Red Sox or Yankees playing. In other words, a typical ESPN broadcast.
  
  
• Mark Prior isn't giving up on the bigs. Too bad the bigs have given up on him. It's not promising when you can't even hack it in the minors after coming within a nosehair of making it to the World Series in 2003. Being washed up at age 28 after being such a highly lauded prospect -- I can't imagine anything worse. Well, being devoured alive by flesh-eating bacteria.
  
  
• Milton Bradley responds to heckler with homer. Maybe they need to bring hecklers to every game he plays so he can earn his paycheck because whatever else they've been doing with Bradley has not helped. Mysteriously, The fact that he's earning a buttload of money to play a game is apparently not enough incentive for him to play well.

Perspectives on baseball from a 5-year-old boy

A few interesting baseball-related comments from my 5-year-old son:

• "We hate him. We hate him, too. He stinks." -- Observations about a random Cincinnati Reds player and their first-base coach while watching a Cubs-Reds game.
• "If you talk over me, then they can't hear me." -- His complaint while watching a televised game re: my talking at the same time he's cheering the Cubs.
• "Yeah! He did it!" -- Whenever anyone on any team hits a homer.
• "She's not a very good pitcher." -- On observing a college softball pitcher's 65 mph pitch. The only thing that impresses him about pitchers is how hard they can throw. So he would have been unimpressed with Greg Maddux.

Studs and Duds

A weekly look at baseball's fabulous and not so fabulous.

• Hanley Ramirez, Florida Marlins. No secret here. He's been a fantasy baseball staple since he broke into the league a few years back. He had a stellar week this week, batting .500 with 10 RBIs.
  
• Derek Holland, Texas Rangers. The rookie from Ohio has two wins this week, including a complete game shutout against the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim in California, etc. etc. He still has a losing record, but hopefully this is the start of something big for him.
• Bronson Arroyo, Cincinnati Reds. He gets props for being honest, insanely so in a world full of misrememberers and flat-out liars. A former co-worker of mine muses that if he were completely honest, he'd admit to being a lousy pitcher and with a doofy hairstyle who lacks any trace of musical talent.
  
• Josh Johnson, Florida Marlins. He's been totally awesome this year, 12 wins-2 losses, and an ERA under 3. This week, he's had two wins, with a sweet ERA of 1.35, striking out 11 against the Rockies.



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• Chicago Cubs. I think the Cubs have come up with a brilliant plan to avoid getting swept in the first round of the playoffs for the third year in a row. How? By not making the playoffs this year. Brilliant! After getting depantsed by Philly at home, they've been playing well, including putting up football numbers in a game this week. Of course, having the Pirates in town helps. Let's see some similar firepower against winning teams.
• Boston Red Sox. Why are the Sox involved in so many donnybrooks? It was like that tired old joke about hockey -- I was watching a fight when a Red Sox game broke out. Kevin Youkilis will be featured in the near future in the "Ugliest Men in Baseball" occasional series.
  
• Johnny Cueto, Cincinnati Reds. Young Johnny was eaten alive by the "young" Nationals Saturday --eight hits in 2.2 innings. He gets special demerits for being on my fantasy team -- though he's about to be joining the waiver wire.
  
• Me. For having Johnny Cueto on my fantasy team's pitching staff. No wonder I named my team "Captain Choke."
  
• The media following Sarah Palin. I'm tired of seeing headlines about her, her daughter and whatever nonsense is floating out of her stupid mouth. News flash: As an ex-governor and a failed veep candidate, she is no longer relevent. And she hates the media anyway. So go leave her to twitter nonsense to her fan club until she decides to run for president.

Samardzija slaughtered at Wrigley

Is it too late for him to go back to football? Maybe everybody else on the Cubs team could take up professional football, too, or maybe soccer since most of them are too small and fragile to play in the NFL . Baseball isn't working out too well for them right now.

That game last night was just unwatchable. And that's not just because the ESPN broadcast stinks, and once the game got away from the Cubs, they were constantly interrupting the broadcast with breaking news from the studio, which is a big signal for everyone to just turn the channel.

I think we're about a month away from various members of the team being sold for spare parts.

In the other clubhouse, Pedro surprised everyone by still pitching adequately. Of course, there was an Aramis Ramirez-shaped hole in the Cubs lineup. Forget about making the playoffs -- if the Cubs can't get it done without Ramirez, they won't be able to advance past the first round anyway, which is just like not making the playoffs at all.

Pedro vs. the kid

Pedro Martinez vs. Jeff Samardzija tonight at Wrigley Field for one night only. What an unlikely matchup of star-crossed hurlers -- the struggling up-and-comer vs. a struggling veteran.

Only time will tell whether or not Jeff S.'ll live up to the hype. As it stands right now, his ERA is an unimpressive 6.29 in 24.1 innings pitched. He gets kudos for having an interesting albeit overblown Web site.

Meanwhile, Pedro is seeking one last march to glory -- or, more realistically, at least one more year of a paycheck as his baseball star falls to earth.

Both teams are pretty desperate to let these guys start. Who will stink it up the worst tonight?

Pitching staff or MASH ward?

In his second start for the Cubs, pitcher Tom Gorzelanny left the game early after being walloped in the foot with a hard grounder. Hopefully the freak injury bug will leave the Cubs clubhouse soon.

Cincinnati is for lovers

The great downside of MLB.tv? Having to listen to the opposing team's commentary team. These Cincinnati Reds commentators -- and no, I don't care enough to list their names here -- are so annoying. One of them, the younger-sounding man "A", keeps sucking up to the older one "B" at least 5 times during this game, and it's still going on.

For instance, A complimented B for having the mental acuity to figure out a trivia question, going on and on about his brilliant, deductive reasoning. Then, when they were bemoaning the Cincinnati Reds lack of winning, A called B "a half-full kind of guy." The others I fail to remember, but it comes just short of "The brilliant light in his eyes and his warm, gentle smile make my heart go flippity flop!"

Dudes, it's a broadcast booth, not a dinner date. Keep the love talk for after hours!